Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Rpgingmaster's Double Feature: The Sordid Sounds of Evangelion

Round 1 of the double-shot from Haken's resident FFN sycophant Rpgingmaster, and proof that he writes quite well when he can refrain from using TV Tropes Meme Language.

"The Sordid Sounds of Evangelion"
"Who Screwed Shinji Ikari"
A Neon Genesis Evangelion Lemon Fanfic by Rpgingmaster
Rated NC-17
Note: This is a lemon, a story with mature themes not meant to be read by those under 18. If you are under 18, or are easily offended by works of an adult nature, then you should leave now, for by ignoring this warning, I can not be held responsible for any damages that might result, and I absolve myself of any and all consequences of your actions.
Note 2: This is a "timeless" story", meaning that this adheres to the canon in no way, except that all the characters have been introduced. Also, this is done for humor, so in no way is this a serious story.
 It was yet another day for Ikari Shinji, the only notable exception being that no Angels were attacking, and thus far, it was a normal day. However, for the boy whose name translates into "The Child of God", normal days usually meant he would be getting a royal screwjob anytime soon.
As he lugged home a huge bag filled with Yebisu brand beer and TV dinners, he passed by an ordinary alley. Ordinary, that is, except for a odd glint of light that caught his eye. At that, the curious Third Child looked into the alley, and the rather cliche scene where he got thumped over the head with a blunt object or got mugged never happened.
In fact, all he saw was a yen coin that had reflected a glint of sunlight. He picked it up, then proceeded to leave said alley. That's when the former cliche event occured, and he wound up being knocked colder than a wet mackerel.
The person in question looked around quickly, then quickly dragged Shinji away. **************************************************************************
 It was a few hours later that Shinji started waking up. A strange taste, oddly reminscient of the crud that usually festers under toenails and cotton balls, filled his mouth. However, he wasn't complaining. At least that tasted better than the LCL he floated in every time he piloted EVA Unit 01.
However, before he properly enjoy the fact he wasn't tasting a substance that resembled the rusty iron of blood and looked like off color urine, that's when higher physical response returned (read: all the other senses) and he realized he was lying on a bed in his boxers, and apparently, his eyes were closed- -and that's when he realized he was temporarily blind, due to a blindfold. He tried to rip it off, but found out he was tied to the bed. His hands were tied together and appeared to be secured to the bedposts, though his legs were spread apart and tied to each of the end bedposts.
Instantly, the "oh shit" meter ramped up to max, and Shinji tried to frantically figure out where he was. He was fairly sure it wasn't NERV HQ, but aside from that, he didn't have a clue what was going on, and was getting more frightened by the minute. Just as the Third Child was about to piss himself with worry, he heard a door open. Footsteps could barely be heard on the carpeted floor as the person who entered walked over to where the Third Child was bound. He could hear a very feminine sounding "hrrm" as the person next to the bed looked him over.
A few uncomfortable seconds passed as unseen eyes looked him over, and those uncomfortable moments got downright scary as hell as she got on the bed and straddled him. She bent over so that their chests touched for a second and then resumed her former position, and sat down on his pelvic area. This let him know that she was wearing only the skimpiest of lingerie. Little sparks of electricity went through him as he felt her slender fingers trace patterns on his chest, then those hands seem to grow more bold and rubbed up and down his torso repeatedly, almost as if administering a massage.
He was still tense, still not having uttered a word due to fear, but the gentle motions were having a soothing effect, and he found himself letting out a sigh of enjoyment. Taking this as an encouraging sign, the mystery woman paused for a second, and he could hear her undo her bra strap. Once the article in question was removed, she could be heard sighing as she tossed it aside. As he wondered what would happen next (and a small but growing hentai part of himself was hoping for more), she then briefly dismounted to grab something beside the bed.
As she resumed her position, he heard the audible *pop* of a bottle of some sort opening. As she was apparently making sure its content were fresh, the possibilities of what was happening and who was perpetrating it whirled through his now scared and somewhat aroused mind. Asuka was a possibility, but considering how many times she slapped him on the assumption he was a pervert, unlikely. Misato was also a possibility, but even boozed up, she never did anything like this. Besides, she had Kaji. Rei was unlikely as hell, but then again, she was a quiet one, and the saying about the quiet ones entered his mind. Hikari was ridiculously implausible, but he didn't rule it out. Ritsuko was an unknown, Maya he barely knew enough to even presume about, and anyone else was outside his current realm of thought. All he did know was that he was tied to a bed, purportedly for the purpose of sex, and some mystery woman was planning to do who knew what with him.
Oddly enough, the more he thought about it, the stronger his arousal got and the weaker his cowardice got. That's when he felt the liquid in the bottle make contact with his chest. He spasmed for a second as she started rubbing the liquid all over his torso, and started relaxing slightly as he realized it was some sort of oil. He could hear her let out a pleasured noise as she started massaging it into his flesh. Truth to tell, he was enjoying it too. Again, soon afterwards, the Universe's biggest wuss let out another gasp as she rubbed her bare chest against his.
He let out a surprised hiss as he felt her breasts mesh with his own chest as if they were custom made to fit. However, she drew back from doing this all too briefly, much to his ever burgeoning disappointment. That, however, didn't last long. Yet another flinch occurred as he felt her hand descend to his nether regions and grab the band of his boxers. She clucked in annoyance as she realized she couldn't completely remove them in his shackled state, so, in a fit of "what the hell" -ishness, she grabbed them by each side and ripped them completely apart, and, upon discarding them, she gasped as she saw Shinji's well endowed lower half laying flat against his stomach, now very erect.
As the area of his body that required Class 2-A security clearance was exposed to light, Shinji started frantically thinking about his situation. The foreplay was over, and now the sex part of the deal was coming up. He was about to do what every male his age thought about every eight seconds.
Get laid.
And contrary to popular relief, that thought didn't embolden him one bit. Quite the opposite, really. However, he didn't have much time to think about before he felt something wet around his phallus. It was readily apparent what was happening as soon as she added her tongue to the mix. He was being given head.
Like any male rapidly succumbing to his baser desires, Shinji found himself enjoying the sensation of something oddly reminscient of intercourse happening to him. The times his partner's tongue laved the crest of his hardon were like blissful shocks of electricity that shot up and down his spine. However, due to Shinji's status as Anime's Most Cowardly Virgin, he lasted barely a minute of this before he ejaculated. The mystery woman had expected this, but the akaline taste of sperm was a lot more harsh than she had been prepared for. However, she managed to swallow most of his essence without gagging. Despite that, she had to get off the bed momentarily, and Shinji could hear her gargling the taste of his seed out of his mouth. It wasn't long before she was back on the bed.
Despite the fact he couldn't see, he sensed that she had just removed what was left of her skimpy clothing. As she lowered herself towards his face, he realized that her face wasn't above his. Just then, his airway was constricted as her pelvic region descended on his face, and survival instinct compelled his mouth to open wide to take in air. His tongue also flailed around wildly and tasted it's first taste of her reproductive center. At that, she rose herself slightly, allowing him to breathe more normally, though the low moans she uttered served as his cue to continue, which he did. Given her rather high state of arousal, it didn't take long for her to reward Shinji with a splash of her juices. In fact, she was so aroused for a second, a slightly smaller climax occurred not long after.
As he recovered from a second salvo of her climax, he was aroused enough himself to be somewhat disappointed when she removed her crotch area away from his face. However, he was curious when he realized she had moved back to his pelvic region, and he wondered what she would- -and that's when he almost gasped in shock as he felt his phallus enter her vaginal walls. Due to the previous sexual activities, she had little trouble sliding down on top of his member almost to the hilt. However, she, after a few experimental strokes, started to get a slow rythmn going as her pubic bones started meshing with his.
Shinji was far beyond worried about losing his virginity. The overpowering haze of lust and want fully enshrouded his higher mind, all he could will himself to do was meet her thrusts, and some detached part of his brain was trying to will his seed from coming out too early as it felt the tension below Shinji's waist grow ever higher. About slightly two minutes after they had begun, Shinji released himself into her womb. As he did, she, even during her obvious enjoyment, found herself thankful she had taken birth control prior to this.
However, that thought was driven from her brain as the aftershocks of their combined minstrations triggered a subsidary release from her, which in turn triggered a somewhat smaller release from Shinji, whose ability to ejaculate was now severely strained due to fatigue. After a few more minutes, both parties felt somewhat tired, and as she pulled out and nestled into the crook of one of his out stretched arms, both decided a little rest was in order. Oddly enough, for varying yet similiar reasons.
 It was several hours later when both parties awoke, or rather, she woke up first, and Shinji woke up due to the ministration used by her to rouse herself. She was about to leave the bed before Shinji felt for courage and found the voice to timidly ask, "Wh...who are you....?"
For a second, she debated whether to tell him then. After all, she wasn't even dressed yet. However, she sighed and pulled the bandanna off his head. As he blinked at the harshness of light invading his pupils, he gasped as he realized she was.....
......and, as the author, I could be a real ass and just leave it at that, or, if you want a definitive ending, read below. Warning, some require knowledge of the series, or you may not completely get the humor.
Ending #1
"Yes, it's me, dummkoff. And quit yelling!!!!!!", Asuka shouted.
"I was bored.", was her surprisingly nonsurprising reply.
"Th-that's it?!", he managed to gasp out. She had kissed him once when she was bored. Getting screwed silly was one hell of a thing to relieve boredom, though........
"Yes, verdammat, that's it. Are you stupid?", she queried.
"No...", he replied.
"Good. Guess you aren't such a baka after all. By the way, I'm still bored." And before he could ponder those words, she was on top of him again......
Ending #2
It was fair to say that Shinji was a little shocked. After all, to obliqely reference to another fanfic, Ikari Shinji knew he was the Universe's Bitch. An erotic moment with a supermodel class woman would violate that rule. However, it had happened, and as Shinji stared at the bemused (and gloriously naked) Misato, he was waiting for his moment of heaven to be obliterated by the cascade of utter hell.
Which seemed almost likely to happen as Kaji walked in. Disturbingly enough, though, he had a smirk on his face. "So, was she good, kid?", the older man asked neutrally.
Shinji was scared to death and figured he'd be castrated despite his answer, so he timidly answered, ".......yeah......" With that, he cringed, waiting for the beat down. Except it never came, to his surprise.
After a moment, he quit cringing and noticed that Misato was getting herself dressed and Kaji, after a liberal amount of drooling and watching Misato reaffirm Gainax's committment to fanservice in the most literal way, threw Shinji some clothes and turned around while he didn't affirm his sponsors committment to fanservice. However, since most of us would rather ogle Misato, it was for the best.
As Shinji was sufficently covered, Kaji calmly explained that the reason Misato got on the good foot and did the bad thing was his scheme to finally get his (Shinji's) balls to drop and turn him into a man, and what better way to do it than put Shinji through the one act that gets most guys his age respect in the locker room?
Shinji, upon reflection, did feel a little more confident that a supermodel class babe like Misato and himself had done things he had only seen on pre-Second Impact nature show reruns.
As a smile spread across his face, that's when Kaji asked one more question, just to make sure Shinji's initiation ritual took. "So, if Asuka or Rei was in bed with you, who would be on top?"
Kaji smacked his forehead in frustration. Shinji had a LOT to learn.........
Ending #3
"A-A-AKAGI-SENSEI?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Shinji was in shock. Why the hell was Akagi Ritsuko in front of him, naked as a jaybird. And, for that matter, why did the hair between her legs not match the color of the hair on her head.
Completely diverted for a second, she muttered, "It's a dye job. I'm not actually a blonde...."
That's when both parties remembered their situation. "'re probably wondering why I had sex with you, right Shinji?"
"Well, I discovered one thing. Your dad is the Minute Man, and in comparision, you're the Navy SEAL....." Shinji took a few seconds to digest this, and when what she meant went through the "Wimp Fucker's Translation to English", he was a bit shocked.
"YOU AND MY DAD DID WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"
Ok, I lied. He was VERY shocked.
Anyhoo, after that, Ritsuko sat on the bed, crossing her arms over her chest more because of a draft then modesty, and sighed as she admitted, "Yes, Shinji, I've been sleeping with your father. In retrospect, I'm not proud of it....."
"I- I- I don't......blame you...b- but why did you....sleep with me?", he managed to stammer.
"To get back at him. The bastard barely lasted a minute one night before he came, rolled over, and passed out, and I have to say I was pissed, and I told him as he was closing his eyes his performance was so shitty, his son probably could do better.....", and she paused as she gave Shinji a smile.
".....and you were right...", Shinji finished for her after a brief pause, feeling happy. The bastard was a cold man, a merciless superior, and apparently had learned his paternal skills from Stalin. However, it somehow gave Shinji pride that his dad sucked in bed. He was wondering how the hell his mother had kept from laughing during their honeymoon night......
Suddenly, Ritsuko found an aroused Shinji's body atop hers as he said, "Could we do that again?"
She rolled over atop him and started snogging his face off, and inbetween breathing breaks, she whispered throatily, "You didn't even have to ask me twice....."
Ending #4
"What the hell?" This was Shinji's reaction to a naked Maya in front of him. He had to admit she looked good, had an ass that seemed custom fit for his hands to grope, and gave great head, but he was confused. Wasn't she trying to get in Akagi's pants? And blouse, for that matter?
"You're wondering why I just tied you up and had sex with you, right?"
A "gee, no shit?" look crossed Shinji's face.
"While you were out, the female NGE cast was told that we would be releasing a hentai NGE tape to broaden GAINAX's profit margins, and all of us ladies were sent to find you, subdue you, and bed you, so they could videotape it and sell it.", she explained.
"You're shitting me, right?", he asked, shocked. Playing the effeminate wuss was tiring, and the fact that NGE was switching from fanservice to downright porn was a shock. Hell, it wasn't even in his contract. However, he did get a good lay out of the deal, so it wasn't all that bad.
Just then, a lingeried Ritsuko kicked open the door, saw the two of them and muttered, "Damn...."
"Wanna join us?", Shinji asked, figuring that if GAINAX was gonna make him a porn star now, he might as well give his employers his money's worth. Besides, he got to play a little more slap and tickle, too. And it was fair to say that Maya's face lit up with adulation as Ritsuko pounced in bed with them.
Ending #5 (set a few days before the 13th angel)
Shinji's breath caught in his throat. One of the last people he thought would ever do something like this had been on the other side of the blindfold. Besides, what would motivate a now nude Hikari Horaki to do such a thing?
That's when she crossed her arms over her chest and her legs over her pelvic area, and while looking very authoritarian, asked, "So, how did I do?"
Shock, coupled with the instinct to survive, compelled Shinji to barely mutter a, "....great...." This apparently was the smart thing to say, as Hikari looked happy as hell as she gathered up her clothes and dressed, then tossed Shinji his clothes as she left.
As he dressed, he was too in shock to wonder what was going on.

A few days later.......

Touji had just found out he was the Fourth Child not a day ago, and oddly, he was grateful, because he figured he had a greater chance of living as an Eva pilot than he did with Hikari. Just yesterday, she had seduced him, then slept with him for hours.
He had at first enjoyed getting laid, then came to despise it when he was drained, it caused him physical pain to get aroused, and Hikari was too much of nympho to stop. However, she was great at the act of lovemaking. It kinda made him wonder how she knew exactly what she doing.......
Ending #6
Shinji had seen this one coming. He had always heard the quite ones were to be feared, but never believed it, and besides, he could technically be considered to be a quite one.
That's when the naked, smiling (rather evily) Rei pulled a 15 inch black vibrator and a cat o' nine tails out of hammerspace and advanced on Shinji as if he were a piece of meat.
Shinji gulped. It didn't help that Rei had started chanting, "We will become one....", in an eerie monotone as she neared him.............
Ending #7
At first Shinji cringed. The rather attractive woman in front of him bore a disturbing resemblance to Asuka, but he quit acting like a pansy when he noticed she was older than Asuka by a good fifteen years at least.
Now, he was just scared shitless. "You thought I looked like Asuka, didn't you, Shinji?", she asked patiently.
"Well...yeah....", he replied, still unsure as what the hell was going on.
"Well, you're half right. I'm her mother."
At that, Shinji's brain overloaded. Wasn't Asuka's real mom dead?
Just then, a woman who looked disturbingly like Ritsuko stepped in in lingerie, except she had brown hair and a few more wrinkle lines (though not enough to kill her moderately good looks).
Shinji took one look at her and the "fuck me, I'm willing" smile and timidly asked, his brain ready to surrender to his hentai side just to keep sane, "You aren't Ritsuko's mom, by any chance?"
"Exactly, Shinji-kun. Now let's see if you can outdo your predecessors.", Naoko Akagi replied, wondering what the hell she saw in Gendo "Minuteman" Ikari.
At that, Shinji's brainwaves and resistance went limp. Below his waistline was another story. And soon after, Naoko discovered the son was a hell of a lot better than the father.
As the sounds of wet and sticky passion floated to the door, Ikari Yui listened outside, proud of her son, who by now was the driving force behind a very strange three way. "My son is so manly....", she sighed, wondering how she had resisted asking Gendo if he was "in yet" on their honeymoon night.......
And that's that. Here's the ending reasons:
1- If you saw the anime, this was my taking that scene to it's hentai conclusion.
2- Somehow, I could just see Kaji doing this.....
3- Hell, Ritsuko deserved better than Gendo.
4- My "real life" parody.
5- The hentai "what if" that could have happened pre-Bardiel.
6- Rei fans, please don't hate me. (I'm a Shinji/Rei fan myself)
7- Written purely for the WTF value.
If you like, please review. If not, feel free to MST this and humiliate it into next year.

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