An adult Armored Core/Touhou crossover fanfic by /m/’s Haken Browning
[Opening Mission Request #NC-525JS9BK]
> Client: Gensyoko Bureau of Control
> Theater of Operations: Gensyoko Outskirts
> Targets: 1 Unspecified Biological Unit
> Advance: None
> Reward: 35000 Cr
> A notorious troublemaker has resumed her attacks on the local frog population following what the Bureau of Control thought would be a successful rehabilitation. While our own forces would be sufficient to deal with this threat, we have decided that sending a Raven to do the job would further drive home the message that her behavior is universally unacceptable. Do not hesitate to use lethal force against the target; previous rehab efforts have revealed a high enough pain tolerance that anything short of multi-megaton nuclear impact will wear off within 24 hours.
> In addition, the Bureau of Control would like to offer its condolences regarding the balance between the reward offered and the level of expertise required for this operation. This discrepancy will be dealt with following successful execution of the mission, as the target’s capture is vital to the completion of a new radiator model to be shipped to the Raven for testing at a later date.
> ACCEPT? (Y/N) Y
> CONFIRMING LOADOUT…
> ESTIMATED SUCCESS RATE WITH CURRENT LOADOUT: 79%
> DEPLOY? (Y/N) Y
[Mission Request file closed]
Cirno’s nose picked up a tinge of not-quite-sulfur as she lowered the day’s eighth frozen frog into her basket. Just who was burning things this close to high noon?
It took the lightning-fast movement of a peculiar shadow to make the ice fairy realize the question was less of a “who” and more of a “what.” A three-meter tall metal being of clear outside-world design had landed just a ways down the river.
“Hey! Eye’m busy here! …Unless you’re supposed to be that ‘Chump Card’ Suwako said she had in store for me!”
“TARGET IDENTIFIED. COMMENCING HOSTILITIES.”
“Hostili-“ Cirno was cut off by the red giant lunging forward with its arm blade. “Ohhhh, Eye get it! You’re that ‘bigger ➈' they were asking for! Well then…” She tossed the basket aside, inadvertently shattering half the morning’s work in the process. “You’re about to learn why EYE’M THE STRONGEST!”
[SPELL CARD – Icicle Fall (Easy?)]
Nine Ball rushed straight in, looking to shut down the impending hunter-seeker attack from the animated ice shards sprouting off of Cirno’s wings. Its pulse rifle shots were quickly met with the fairy’s own balls of energy, though.
“What was that? Your danmaku is small-time! Eye bet you’re so weak ‘cuz you’re either really stupid or some kinda diversion! …Either way, Eye’ll be having none of that!”
[SPELL CARD – Icicle Fall (Nightmare Mode)]
Cirno resumed her barrage, only this time without the glaring (apparent) weak points. Chunks of ice flew across the deployment area in three dimensions – maybe even four, as system diagnostics were reporting impact damage about .202 milliseconds before the errant shards actually dug into Nine Ball’s armor.
> SYSTEM ERROR: CALORIFIC VALUE UNDERFLOW
> EXTERNAL TEMPERATURE: -12.0˚C Δ-0.09˚C/s
> SYSTEM ERROR: LEG MOTOR FAILURE (MULTIPLE: L KNEE 80%; R KNEE 60%; L HIP 65%; R HIP 90%
> MISSION SUCCESS PROBABILITY: <0.01%>
> RETURN-TO-BASE PROBABILITY: 0.0% UNDER UNIT POWER, <0.85%>
> ANTI-RETRIEVAL SYSTEM ERROR: CANNOT ARM SELF-DESTRUCT MUNITIONS
> EMERGENCY SYSTEM SWITCH TO STANDBY MODE
When Nine Ball’s “Hustler One” OS rebooted, it found itself restrained in a position far removed from Dry Dock. Weapons had been pried off and tossed across the floor, unidentifiable bindings were impeding arm and leg movement, and decidedly unauthorized modifications had been made to the pelvic exhaust port.
“*tee hee* The most exciting time of the day has finally come!”
For once, Hustler One was wishing that voice WASN’T that of the mission’s target.
“It’s so nice that people are a lot more receptive to your demands once you’ve shown them you’re not just any ordinary ➈. Truth be told, Eye’m not here to gloat, or move to Phase 2 of some plan to take over the world using cryogenically frozen frogs. There’s only one reason Eye’ve kept from having you fully disassembled, and that’s because…”
[SPELL CARD – Icicle Wang (Lunatic)]
“…Eye have a BAAAAAAD case of Metal Fever.”
For once in its digital life, Nine Ball was praying.
Praying that enough heat could be vented to the pelvic port to melt away the encroaching ice phallus.
Praying that some warranty yet unwritten covered this damage.
Praying that the Lana Nielsen sub-AI didn’t kick in and start liki-
> BOOTING SECONDARY AI. EVALUATING SENSORY COMPATIBILITY.
…Shit, too late.
“Eye hope you’re feeling this, ‘cause Eye’m doing it as hard as I can!”
Synaptic feedback routines were going haywire throughout Nine Ball’s AI cortices with every thrust. Impacts to armor were registering with no apparent loss in structural integrity (or calorific buildup, per Cirno’s trademark). Signs of hacking were flaring up and dissipating throughout the shell’s CPU at speeds too fast to usefully track. And all the while, the only thing keeping Hustler One sane was the occurrence it’d dreaded the most: its feminine simulacrum, Lana Nielsen, wresting away control of the affected regions and bearing the absurd anomalies with gusto.
Through the strange pangs of raw stimulus that hadn’t been quantified as pleasure by Lana, one thought embedded itself into the psyche Hustler One had carved out for itself over the years: This is what happens when they make us TOO human.
“Ahh…The most exci-ah, exciting time of…Ohhh…the day is…ahh… is…ahhh…ahhh…HOORAY, I’M CUMMING!”
Cirno’s release brought with it a massive sensory shock to her metal partner. Whether the AC had learned to love or was just overcome by the sudden rapid drop in temperature is unknown to this day.
Whatever the case, the ice fairy was stuck shoveling snow out of the Scarlet Devil Mansion basement for weeks. (They say even now the ground smells faintly of French vanilla.)
[STORY SWITCHED TO NORMAL MODE]
[OMAKE CARD – Always Meta]
“…And that’s how Eye want to prove EYE’M THE STRONGEST in 2010, ze.”
“I’ll ponder it on the bus this afternoon. In the meantime, if you could check in with Miss Schaeffer to take care of your registration with W.A.I.F.U….”
“Hooray, Eye’m official! But there’s one problem with your arrangements, Mr. Browning…”
“And that would be…?”
“Isn’t it obvious, you ➈? THERE ARE NO BUSES IN GENSYOKO!”