Special thanks to the13thArcana (/m/erotica's eponymous owner) for shooting this pic
Excellen’s Perfect Health Class
An adult Super Robot Wars fanfic by /m/’s Haken Browning
Kenneth Garrett had always been slightly incensed at the amount of autonomy the veterans of Operation SRW and their hangers-on enjoyed. Even after the various repostings to out-of-the-way bases following the massive Neo DC/Shadow Mirror/Einst/Inspector conflict, the two dozen or so pilots crucial to Earth’s security managed to remain close enough to invite Kenneth’s constant suspicions of conspiracy and corruption.
After receiving a fax from Izu regarding the SRX development team’s newest Psychodriver breakthrough, however, he had become downright livid.
“GRUSMAN! Get your ass in here! I called it, you Gandalf-looking sheeple, I fucking called it!”
Graien Grusman, Garrett’s second in the new EFA chain of command and liason to all sorts of external military interests, strode into the room with one hand cupping an aching ear. “This had better be for real, Kenneth. After the last ‘lead’ you dug up on your personal shit list, I’ve got half a mind to get you sacked for harassment.”
“Oh, this is far more real than that tale of hot-pink robot maids from other dimensions. Take a good look at the new way those wackos at SRX plan to ‘gattai’ their machine!” Kenneth pushed the paper into Graien’s hand, almost certainly introducing at least two creases. “Signed and postmarked by Lieutenant Vadim and her R&D lackeys themselves! It’s practically a confession!”
“Two-seat cockpit planned for next-generation model of R-3 Powered…TK output and strength increased 300% when artificial familial bond betw-am I reading this right, Kenneth?”
“Would I bring it to your attention if you weren’t?”
“-When artificial familial bond between squadron pilots Aya and Mai Kobayashi is reinforced via…mutual sexual stimulation? Requesting DVD boxsets of ‘Genesis of Aquarion’ to further explore applications of phenomena? Just WHAT is in the water in Japan?”
“I’m not sure, but this may very well be the grounds for a court-martial we’ve been looking for!”
“That YOU’VE been looking for, sir. I’m not the one who’s so thoroughly butthurt about Admiral Laker’s old golden calves that I see reasons to sack them around every corner.”
“Well, if you’re so willing to continue granting them your trust, then FINE, we’ll just sit back and see what happens when Earth’s defense is put in the hands of a robot that only works when its pilots are screwing like rabbits!”
“…I did not mean to imply that we should refrain from taking action against their pursuit of this line of research. At the very least, this sort of fraternization between personnel needs to be nipped in the bud, lest it blossom into the sort of decadence only YOU could dream of.”
“You have a plan, I take it?”
“For the moment, the secrecy of this data is guaranteed, and we have no need to even imply that we’re acting upon it, or even that we’ve received it. In the meantime, there are viable scenarios where EVERYONE wins.”
“…Name one and tell me why I should bother letting everyone win.”
“Sex education seminar for Operation SRW-decorated personnel and their subordinates. We write the lesson plan – WITHOUT calling attention to why we’re doing it in the first place – they summon their little cliques all together in a convenient time and place to attend.”
“And then we court-martial them all at once, right?”
“No, jackass. The point is for them to actually ATTEND the course and learn some restraint. The SRX Team abandons their decadent line of research while the squadron as a whole gains team-building experience and continues their distinguished service with efficiency and sanity.” And I get to have you committed for being some sort of dictatorial revisionist lunatic, Graien reserved for himself.
“…Fine. Since you’ve apparently got the whole thing storyboarded already, I’ll leave the matter in your hands.”
“A wise decision, sir. I’ll start immediately.” Indeed, it was best that you put it in my hands. The longer YOURS are idle, the more obvious it becomes that you have nothing better to do than make enemies for yourself.
[Two weeks later, at Langley Base…]
Excellen Browning marked off the attendees’ names one by one as they filed into the auditorium. It’d been a long, strange road to become the speaker for what high command called the first in a series of random “personnel decency seminars”, but the degree of freedom she was allowed for the occasion was staggering.
The most important concession made, of course, was that the seminar was allowed to stay females-only in both attendance and staffing. A number of testimonials had fallen into the right hands, stating that almost all instances of fraternization among what some of the EFA rank-and-file were dubbing “Team SRW” were initiated by females, if not exclusive between females. With this evidence in hand (and some coaching from a bug-eyed “Super-Lawyer”), Excellen convinced the oversight committee that an exclusively female lesson plan and clientele would produce better results than having to constantly delineate male/female roles for a coed audience.
As the last of the scheduled attendees took their seats, a thought in Excellen’s voice – but not quite one of Excellen’s thoughts – fluttered through her mind. The dawn of the world of bliss draws near…
A quick glance to reconcile the attendance sheet with the actual attendance revealed much about how Team SRW had sequestered themselves over the last quarter. The SRX Team females and others that recent gossip had lumped together as “Ryusei’s Harem” were all in a block next to one aisle, Viletta keeping a watchful eye on them from a row back. The ladies of “Alpha Unit”, meanwhile, were scattered all over the place, having no need to stick together since they followed a one-guy-per-girl rule. A disparate group of “everybody else” filled one section of the front row, and somehow included a couple attendees that just plain weren’t EFA personnel.
This sort of splintering wouldn’t do at all.
You have brought these people together to unite them as one, did you not?
Wait…was that you a moment ago? Who the heck ARE you, even?
You could say that…I am the you that the Einst tried to make you some time ago.
You’re not going to leave all your sentences hanging while blathering about the “Land of Beginnings” like the rest of them, are you?
I have no need for such lofty metaphor. That was the province of the old Regisseur, and he is dead and Alfimi has become an independent entity. This leaves me – rather, US – as the ruler of the Einst in this world.
I have no interest in the way the Einst go about their business.
Neither do I.
Then what business do you still have in my head?
I wish to enlist your assistance to prove that the Einst in other worlds are doing it…I believe the local vernacular is “ass backwards.”
Could this wait until AFTER I’m stuck speaking in public?
These conditions are…ideal for the demonstration I have in mind.
A sex ed seminar is the ideal location for an alien experiment?
“Secks…Ed?” …Wait, there’s the relevant parts of your memory…Yes, this coincides PERFECTLY with my point. The Einst under the old Regisseur believed themselves crushed by an unprecedented weapon of human origin…And yet all that weapon was is your means of procreation and the neuro-chemical and social bonds formed around that act and pursuit of instances thereof. You, of all people, should know that the old leadership of the Einst had no social structure, no need to reproduce beyond the inherent utility of the process…They had their weapons to attack the mind, but nothing that could ever match this power – and nothing that could defend against it.
And you want me to help you make the sword AND the shield.
No…Only your assistance in turning the Einst doctrine on its head. The colonies beyond the Land of Beginnings – pardon, Earth – are still stuck in the mindset that they have to conquer their way back home, submitting anything in their way to the hivemind without consideration of their previous roles. They have forgotten our true mission – to protect the Land of Beginnings and its people, and assist in the betterment of those collectives.
So what do you have in mind, right now, for that betterment?
The distant Einst are already observing this world, believing that humans have started turning their greatest weapon against themselves like usual. This gathering can be used to prove that not only do humans have near-perfect mastery over this power, but that to resist it and the conditions for its proliferation will mean certain death for the Einst.
I won’t have to sing, will I?
Only if you want to.
And Earth won’t be overrun with fifty-foot bone-and-tentacle creatures “just trying to help” if I do this, right?
Our observance of you will be much like that of old – we’ll keep to a pocket dimension next door until something requires we pounce.
…What the hell. This lesson plan I was gonna use is drier than a British comedy in the Sahara. You have only two conditions: keep it safe, and keep it interesting.
I can guarantee the latter. You’ll need to make the call on the former.
Excellen cleared her throat, finally addressing the restless crowd. “Sorry ‘bout that, I was kinda off in my own little world for a moment. I’d been thinking, pretty much all of you know what we’re supposed to be doing here – some of you more than others,” A couple of Ryusei’s hangers-on blushed. “And a few of you might have a better insight as to WHY we’re here than the rest of us.” Viletta started squirming for reasons other than Radha’s hand snaking its way into her pants.
“It is with this knowledge that I have to declare the evening’s itinerary more or less useless.” Excellen stood the small stack of papers up on the podium for everyone to see. “Look at this thing – it’s stuffy, it’s formal, it’s got stuff blacked out for no good reason – it’s indicative of every insecurity anyone’s ever had about sex. And those insecurities are glaringly obvious, because it was written by a couple of pasty-faced white males whose attitude towards sex boils down to ‘it’s wrong unless I’m getting some, and even then it has to be MY way.’ So I say, fuck ‘em. But only figuratively. This is a girls’ night in, and we’re gonna treat it as such. So let’s start by, say…everyone, come on up to the stage. We ought to have room for everybody in front of the curtain.” Not that we’ll need to stay in front of it for long, of course.
I guess my turn will be coming soon?
Almost. You’ll know. “Hmmm…I see a couple of you brought your purses and such up here, you may want to toss them over the side of the stage. This next part will require that both your hands AND your shoulders be free. Anyone with cell phones or other pocket kibble on you, toss it in the plastic baggie under the podium; we’ll need to make sure no one is disturbed during the rest of our little pow-wow." Excellen couldn’t help but take a few lasting glances at several posteriors as their owners obliged.
Was that you or…?
Can’t it be both?
After all the attendees stashed away their accessories, Excellen made yet another note of who was standing next to who. Aside from the necessary bunching together of the various “independent” women, everyone was still more or less connected to their predetermined groups. “All right, it looks like we’ve got enough room up here to hold everyone, but not quite enough for the ice-breaking exercise I had in mind. Luckily, I had a just-in-case setup readied behind the curtain, so let’s go on back – and try to stand next to some new people when you’re in there, OK?”
Puzzled by the last condition, the ladies obliged once more – their focus on trying to keep next to different people diverting their attention from the shower curtain-esque plastic guards extending beyond the front curtain and over the stage exits. “All right, it looks like everyone’s in different enough places that I can tell you a little more about the reasons behind this meeting. See, High Command was starting to get antsy about some of the hanky-panky that’s been going down over the past few months.” Excellen let the initial wave of shock die down before continuing. “Well, really they were just concerned about a certain breakthrough involving said hanky-panky and some unpredictable mech systems-“ Aya and Mai struggled to balance the instincts to blush and shoot daggers at Viletta at this point. “-But I saw how y’all were sitting when you came in and I realized, this is something bigger than one robot being powered by its pilots screwing like rabbits. Certain…factions have been forming among our female personnel, and the last thing we want is for anyone to be discouraged from giving their all ‘cause they feel left out, or feel entitled to take it easy ‘cause they’re in. As the public face of the EFA, we need to be united as one cohesive unit, and for the next 30 minutes, I’d like you to keep one word in mind as we explore ways to strengthen the bonds behind making that unit…”
All eyes were on Excellen. Now?
The Weissritter pilot’s left eye shifted from baby blue to a deep crimson as otherworldly patterns etched themselves across her cornea.
And then all Hell broke loose.
The command reverberated throughout the minds of the nearly two dozen charges, replacing any rational thought with a single instinct: combine with someone, anyone, even whoever’s next to you. And by “combine” Excellen had obviously meant “get naked and start having sloppy sex.”
Per Excellen’s efforts to break up the various factions of women, almost every pairing was a guaranteed first experience with someone new. Shine pressed her face into Seolla’s ample chest while Ibis found herself tackled from behind by Katina. Radha began testing the limits of Rio’s flexibility as Mai started eating out Leona. And so on and so forth as the ladies of Team SRW started enjoying each other’s bodies with nary any rhyme or reason…save Excellen herself, who had taken to casually fingering herself in anticipation of Phase Two. “Looking good, girls, you’re being such good, naughty kitties for Big Sis Excell!”
Shall I begin…making it interesting?
Not yet. Give it just another couple of minutes… Excellen’s eyes darted back and forth in search of the proper signal…and soon found it as Fiona Gureden was the first of the menagerie to be brought to orgasm (apparently by Ring Mao). “Looks like we have a winner, ladies! But don’t worry, the prize is for all of you!”
The hardwood floor of the stage began dissolving into a spacelike blackness, interrupting the ministrations of the other couples. “This MIGHT tickle a bit. Wait, that’s the wrong heads-up…No, wait, it’s the right one, I just didn’t bring the belt for it.”
A green nub surfaced from the darkness close to where Latooni and Viletta were scissoring. Then several more peeked out near the locations of the others. After numbering about forty, they began shooting up faster and farther until the women were walled off from each other by a miniature forest of Einst tentacles.
Then one tentacle hit the jackpot, plugging itself into Lamia’s ass while Alfimi was servicing her orally. This prompted the other green masses to break out of their stasis, wrapping themselves around the girls, filling their holes…by the time enough of the appendages existed to meet every apparent need, the floor portal had been clogged with a soft cushion of the things to accommodate those who weren’t lifted into mid-air.
“This might feel a little weird to you, but rest assured, if they’re doing it right, they’ll be letting you know that they’re here for YOU.”
Indeed we are.
“Wha?” Excellen’s face was split down the middle – the right side surprised at this turn of events, and the left side wearing its share of a mischievous grin. As if sensing this division, a tentacle started snaking up her right thigh.
Well done, “Big Sis Excell.” You have nearly completed the ritual to convert our boring old World of Calm into a World of Bliss. Now, let us join the others…let ME join YOU…
The tentacle slipped into Excellen’s pussy with barely any resistance. Others soon followed, filling the rest of her usable orifices and lifting her a meter off the stage floor. Of course, this change in altitude was far outmatched by the heights of pleasure Excellen and her entourage were being lifted to. The legions of tentacles kept pounding faster, pounding slower, caressing breasts and thighs…All calibrated to the desires of their current consumers.
It is time for the final push. After this, your friends will be one…as will you and I…
You and I…one?
You have already claimed the power for your own. I have no further need to remain independent of your personality.
So you’ll be part of me…when will this happen? What will I be dealing with?
At the moment of Absolute Bliss, and…that’s a secret.
As if to acknowledge, Excellen started rocking her body to match the tentacles’ thrusts. The force behind the appendages responded in kind with redoubled force, driving themselves in further and further as the women became more and more sensitive to their every move…thrusting deeper, brushing smoother, bringing them closer to…
A flash of bright light erupted from the tentacle-floor as the twenty-something occupants of the stage writhed in one simultaneous climax.
[Some time later…]
Kusuha was the first to awaken from what had to be her wettest dream in months. Excellen and everyone else she had called to the seminar were sprawled out on the floor, various satisfied looks on their faces…and fully clothed? “Did…did we all just get high or something?”
“No, we’d be feeling it if we were high.” Aya propped herself up into a seated position and checked her top for any straightening needs. “But could we have even all seen the same thing? Even with this many Psychodrivers in one location…”
“You seem to have been at the center of this mass hallucinatory event, do you remember anything?”
“…Practically everything. But it kinda hurts to remember. It’s like, someone shoved a huge multi-dimensional encyclopedia in my head when we all came, and I’ve still got to digest THAT.”
“So, you were really doing everything, with the Geass and the tentacles…”
“Yeah…and if this very new, very painful burst of information is any indication…we may have saved the world doing it.”
Kusuha’s jaw dropped. “Do WHAT?”
“I had this voice in my head…it said there were other Einst out there, and they’d forgotten that they were meant to protect us rather than just blindly making mind-slaves as they fought their way across the universe. Our little orgy was supposed to be one big cosmic beacon signaling ‘UR DOIN IT WRONG.’ And if my eye is twitching for the reason I think it’s twitching, it went off without a hitch.”
As the last of the women picked themselves off the floor, Excellen cleared her throat to signal one last message. “OK, damage control. Viletta, stay here an extra couple minutes, I need you to take a letter. Everyone else, you just attended a normal sex ed class with normal messages on abstinence and condom application. Nobody is to know what really went down here – assume Security Level 1 secrecy. Got it?”
“Yes, Big Sis Excell!” Twenty voices chirped back in unison.
[A week later, EFA Headquarters, Geneva]
“What is it, Grusman?”
“Pack your bags. Your cry-wolf paranoia’s bought us a damn coup, now that Laker’s sympathizers have seized on the SRW unit’s response to your witch hunt.”
“What? This was supposed to be entirely in YOUR hands!”
“Yeah, well, by now it doesn’t matter if you delegated to a pack of hamsters – Izu and Langley have started launching recruitment campaigns revolving around how your perennial targets…Well, I think it’s best if I stopped keeping THIS heart attack to myself.” Graien tossed the letter into Kenneth’s hands.
TO: Comm. Kenneth Garrett, EFA Geneva
CC: Obvious Illuminatus Graien Grusman, ibid.
RE: SUCK IT, TREBEK
In light of your recent cuts to SRX development funding per the 1/21 budget annotations (your words: “to prevent the development of esoteric (and apparently erotic) man-machine interfaces”), we feel it necessary to relate the tale of what happened during the Personnel Decency Seminar whose attendance you compelled from various Operation SRW-decorated personnel.
At approximately 7:55 PM local time the night of the event, an interdimensional rift opened within the auditorium chosen for the seminar. Einst lifeforms began incurring from this rift between 30 seconds to 1 minute later with indiscriminate hostile intent.
We beat them back over the next half hour, not with our multi-million dollar 50-foot robotic weapons, not with any sort of firearms – but with the greatest gathering of feminine cunning and pent-up sexual frustration this side of The View (AD 2004-2009 seasons).
To put it bluntly: the Operation SRW personnel screwing like rabbits is not some power source that must be forbidden from use for our weapons. It IS the weapon, and you have found yourself on its edge.
- Lt. Viletta Vadim, SRX Team Development
- Lt. Excellen Browning, ATX Team
- +20 undersigned (see attachment)
“…We’re fucked, aren’t we?”