AWHB Stories: Metal Gear Suzuka

Another adult Super Robot Wars fanfic by /m/'s Andy Waltfeld

A faint buzzing in Suzuka's ear startled her as she approached the loading ramp of the Zeit Krokodil. Stepping off to the side, she knelt down to take the incoming Codec transmission.

[CODEC: 144.34]

???: Eel, this is a sneaking mission. Just because the occupants of this ship already know you doesn't mean it's safe to let yourself be seen. Especially not given the purpose of this mission...

Suzuka: Well, if I can't walk through the front door, how do you expect me to get in? Also, “Eel” is a stupid code name.

???: Well, “Snake” was taken. Also, there's a ventilation shaft just under the loading ramp itself. It should link to almost all of the objective points.

Suzuka: Got it. But why are you still all “???”?

???: Client confidentiality. If you screw up, the buck stops with you.

Suzuka: THAT's nice to know.

[END CODEC]

Several minutes of wriggling through the air ducts later (necessitating the removal of her prized clogs in the process), Suzuka found herself perched over the first room from which “intelligence” needed to be gathered.

Its current occupants, Reiji Arisu and Xiaomu, were currently engaged in what was previously discussed as the “Night of a Thousand Spankings.” Luckily for Xiaomu's rump, though, they weren't bothering to implement Aschen's one-slap-per-second calculations.

*thwack* “SAY MY NAME!”

“I...I...I DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW YOUR NAME!”

With the minimum necessary data committed to memory (and a video camera embedded in the tip of her forehead horn), Suzuka crawled onward.

Room number two on the list was the captain's quarters, occupied by Haken Browning. Strangely enough, he wasn't accompanied by prospective girlfriend Kaguya Nanbu this evening, but by longtime robot companion Aschen Brodel. Even more strangely, he was at the mercy of Aschen's “fun mode”.

“C'mon! You promised I could test my new attachment tonight!”

“Yeah, but when you told me you were getting a new toy, I didn't expect anything close to THAT!” Here, Haken pointed to the strap-on Aschen was currently aiming toward his rump. “At least, not on ME!”

“You're the one who bet on tough odds and lost! Which means...” Aschen's Code DTD voice suddenly reached a new level of chirpiness. “W00-RAISER DOCKING MODE! W00-RAISER DOCKING MODE!”

Suzuka winced in sync with Haken's scream as the artificial phallus had its warranty voided (along with that of Haken's rectum). Unwilling to bother with more footage than necessary, she scampered to the next room in the vent system...

...Only to hit a dead end and an exit hatch. The buzzing of the Codec nanomachines in her ear seemed to herald her employer's realization of this quandary.

[CODEC: 144.34]

???: Crap, I forgot, the port and starboard vent systems were disconnected from each other as a dustproofing measure. You'll have to drop down into the corridor and continue the mission from ground level.

Suzuka: And the good news?

???: The opening you're on top of is just a door away from another of the objective rooms. But be careful: Dr. Sumii's lab has slightly more sophisticated security than the rest of the ship.

[END CODEC]

A quick peek across the corridor showed no sentries in sight. Cardboard box in hand, Suzuka descended from the vent shaft before donning her corrugated disguise. Her sense of security, however, was nearly shattered as she caught a glimpse of the ship's tiger-man helmsman, Lee Ly, turning towards her position. All Suzuka would do was stay still and hope Plan B worked.

***

Lee spied a box in the middle of the hallway. “'To Dr. Marion's Lab - No Peeking,' huh? You'd think she'd be more careful where she left her science junk...” He hefted the package and set it on the laboratory entrance's threshold before carrying on with his patrol.

***

Suzuka's expectations regarding her teammates' depravity, while heightened by the night's previous events, were nonetheless shattered once more by the scene in Dr. Marion Sumii's workshop. The strange karakuri from Reiji and Xiaomu's apparent future, KOS-MOS, was disarmed and restrained by the Alt Eisen Nacht and Weissritter Abend.

“So...this is the fourth version of your body, eh? Makes me wish I'd been around to analyze your first three shells.” Marion idly twirled some sort of device in her hand as she eyed the combat robot. “I'll bet you didn't have as many needlessly jagged parts back then. The curse of engineering, I'm afraid. We build things to do one or two jobs 100% right, then rich idiots step in to make them do another seven or eight things 40% right, inevitably screwing with the accuracy of the original purpose.”

“...I cannot classify the purpose you have in store for me in either of those ranges.”

“Would that be because you weren't built for the job, or because you were and don't want to admit it?” Marion stopped twirling the device and levelled it towards KOS-MOS's midsection. “Either way, I'll see to it that it becomes a primary function of yours.” The doohickey was then abruptly shoved down the android's panties. “...Don't even THINK about using auto-fire, or I'll know.” With the push of a button on one of Marion's computers, the device roared to life, sending electrical shocks and other pulses through KOS-MOS's body. Suzuka took this opportunity to exit the lab, for fear of her recording equipment being shorted out while in the vicinity.

***

Stepping out of the bathroom, Kaguya Nanbu tripped over what what was apparently a cardboard box running for dear life. “What the..?” With the box (or whatever was in it) stopped in its tracks, Kaguya took a minute to read the label. “'To: Kaguya, c/o Haken Browning.' Silly box, that's not the way to my room.” After adjusting her dress back to acceptable levels of exposure, she picked up the package and carted it into her guest quarters.

***

Suzuka couldn't believe Plan C had worked that well. Primarily because it hadn't, since once she was safely inside Kaguya's bunk, the box was removed with all the care of a five-year-old unwrapping a present.

“Oh my...I sort of figured you'd been trying to pick me up, but I never figured you'd go THIS far! ...Oh, well, everyone else here seems to have somebody, why should they have all the fun?”

[SUZUKA IS LOVED/TIME PARADOX]

???: Eel, what's going on? Eel??? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!

[OMAKE - spoken over end title card]

“...Yes. The mission went about as we expected...Failure and all.

“...Yes, even so, we managed to retrieve the data we needed.

“...No, I don't believe Miss Suzuka had any idea who I was. Then again, neither would anyone else in this crazy world.

“...No, it's just an issue of 'we haven't officially contacted each other yet'. I've got two people about to go deep cover to that end, however.

“...Meanwhile, my own trail has been covered perfectly. If anyone gets suspicious, they'll pin it on either her or 'Mister Ghosto.'

“...It's a shame I couldn't have done it myself. I really wanted to show off this new bunny suit. Selective optical camouflage and everything.

“...Yes, I know you appreciate my work. Just look at last time. Talk to you later...Mr. Kazahara..”